Day 409: (It's actually today!) Yes, finally up to date with the blog photos, I wonder how long it will last? Probably until next weekend when I realize that I again haven't uploaded any photos for a week. Oh well. Here I am in the flash of sun we had this morning, I managed to get up at 10, which is 'really' 9, so hopefully the school week earlier starts won't be too painful. I have been a bit homesick or restless or something this week. My Dad is deteriorating so rapidly, there is a real drive to jump on a plane and somehow 'fix' things, even though this is a completely irrational drive. I miss the energy of King Street and Enmore Road, I miss the ocean, I miss a sense of connection and community that comes with a shared language, even if its superficial. I miss a sense of mastery and competence in 'something', its amazing how much of my self identity is wrapped up in being a competent communicator and user of language. At the moment my head is swimming so frantically trying to learn German I am even unsure if my English is correct a lot of the time. At least I've mastered baking with Plain Flour, although of course cakes are off the diet until further notice! I miss being called "love" or "darl" by the ladies in the supermarket at Forster. I have a sense of grief that most of the friendships in Australia I felt were important and meaningful have proven impossible to sustain. I feel very sad that my youngest niece is now 4 and a half months old and no one has yet sent me a photo of her. Apparently "its what Jesus would do."

Meanwhile, I love feeling "at home", even if some days it only exists within the garden walls (I also love having a big garden!), I love having a very enthusiastic and professional teacher helping me learn this crazy language, I love feeling part of a family who celebrates me and wants to spend time with me, I love my studio / work room and need to harness the discipline to utlilise it more effectively. I love walking in the same woods the Brothers Grimm walked in, and imagining fairy tale characters hiding behind trees. I love having interesting plans for Easter, and the possibility of very easily visiting the Hildegard Abbey on my birthday. Of course the one reason I'm here in the first place is what makes life meaningful in jedanfall (any case!) I am resolved to knowing I will not be thin and gorgeous on my 40th birthday, but will at least be thin and healthy before I reach 41.





Day 408.